She'll aways win, no matter what.

It has been a long time since my first entry. I am going to give this another shot.

It has been a little over two months since I have been back at home. It was a big move. A lot of change to adapt to. A lot of change to adapt to for obvious reasons: no more living on my own, no more independence, and...these tears should be a pretty obvious reason, too.

I feel pathetic. So utterly pathetic. I am not satisfied. I am not happy. I am not content. I am just living and breathing but with no real purpose or desire. I am doing this only for my family, because they would not want it any other way. I'm 23 and too old for suicidal thoughts, but they occur every now and then. Mostly I like to think about how I would do it, and then I hate thinking about my family finding me...and then I hate imagining what they would have to tell everyone else. And then I like to imagine who would show up to my funeral, who would cry, and who would regret not telling me something (and would he regret throwing it all away?). I like to imagine I would have written everyone a letter, and started it off with something along the lines of "Isn't it strange knowing these will be the last things I ever tell you?" I imagine I would tell them everything. Be completely honest, because...what does it matter now that I'm dead, right? But then I imagine at the very end, I would sugar coat it all and say something sweet to make sure we don't literally end on a bad note. I'm telling you: pathetic.

Let's talk about my funeral.

Would it be at our Armenian church? Considering the fact that it would be a suicide, it probably wouldn't be allowed. That would be so devastating for my parents...and having to bury me in a shitty graveyard because of it would devastate them as well. Who would show up? Will my friends from Chicago all take a day off of work to come and say their final goodbyes, or will they skip? Will they skip and maybe visit on another day? Wouldn't it be funny if my funeral was a road trip opportunity? Everyone gets together into a van and maybe they will all listen to my favorite songs and sing along. Or maybe they will not turn the stereo on and instead share fond memories of me. Or maybe they will just sit in silence, dressed in black, crying silently. Or wouldn't it be strange if they didn't find out until months later?...Kind of like I found out about Brigitte. It still haunts me. (Miss you, Brigitte.)
Would my family in Turkey show up to my funeral? Are funerals kind of like weddings in that way where out-of-town family members all fly in to be a part of it? I don't think people take funerals as seriously as weddings, and that blows my mind.
Would my parents keep it from my grandmothers, for the sake of their well being? When they ask to speak to me on the phone, will they hold back their tears and tell them I am asleep? Probably.
Would Fabian show up to my funeral? Would he cry? Would he hate that we haven't talked in so long, and would he hate the fact that he treated me like shit? Would he finally realize I never deserved any of it? Probably. Or so I'd like to imagine.
What about Michael? Would he even find out right away? Would Leda be the one to tell him, or will he try to contact me...call me, text me, and get a response from my sister saying I'm dead? Would he even come to my funeral, and if he did...how would he feel? How would he explain me to his wife...and would she be there, too? I don't know.
What about my journal? What will my parents think of me when they find my journal buried under stacks and stacks of clothing (that they will probably turn into dust rags or donate to charity)? They would have to read it. Of course they'd read it. Wouldn't you? What will they think of me when they found out all the things I did? They won't believe it was me. They may even think I was attempting to write a novel. But really, mom, it's the truth. It is the most honest I have ever been in my life and that journal means the world to me. That's why I think I would destroy my journal before I killed myself.
Some things are meant to be kept private, I guess.