Oh baby, you're time is running out.

Odd feeling.

I don't quite understand it, but I feel as though I am running out of time. Obviously, we're all running out of time. The clock keeps ticking, and time keeps passing, and we just keep aging. This is a fact. This is obvious. But I feel though I don't have much time left. My inner conscious keeps telling me to hurry, hurry, hurry. Do all these things before I run out of time. I feel as though I am living with some sort of deadly disease, and that at any moment now I will drop dead. This constant worry, rush, fear, and even anxiousness to get things done.

As far as I know, my general health is fine. Sure, there are a few knicks here and there but who doesn't have that? Maybe I should take better care of myself and get back on my 18+ meds a day that I haven't taken in well over a year. Who knows.

Today, I sat on my parent's bed and looking at myself in their mirror. It was a strange feeling. Like I was out of my own body, just staring at this person. I didn't recognize myself until my mom called me into the other room, and I was forced to "snap out of it." I decided today, I am going to try and be healthier. Instead of losing the weight I originally wanted to lose, I have only gained. I feel as though my entire body is swollen. Everything is getting bigger and it disgusts me more than you can imagine. I feel like a ogre. Like I'm towering over everybody, even though I am only (barely) 5'1. My thighs feel enormous, and all of a sudden I have this ridiculous ass I never imagined having. My hips are getting bigger, too. I know I'm not pregnant, but I keep convincing myself that I must be. Why else would I gain all this weight when my eating habits have not changed at all? Of course, I don't consider the fact that I was working at a very fast paced job in Chicago, running around like a dog for 9+ hours a day. Currently, I have what you people call a "desk job" and I can't stand it. The logical reasoning for this weight gain has to be the new job. No exercise is involved, therefore I grow ginormous hips/thighs/ass. Lovely.

I don't know what the point of this rant was...

I just don't want to feel like my life could be over at any minute. It's a horrible feeling, and it makes me nervous. I had a panic attack at work today, thinking I was going to die right there and then. For some reason, it just made sense. I just felt death. And I thought, "How embarrassing." What is so embarrassing about dying though? Seriously--pathetic. I did survive though, obviously. And I probably will survive every single one of those episodes until I'm old and grey, but the feeling is still terrifying and emotionally exhausting. I have become such a control freak that I don't want death to just suddenly approach me. I want to take control of my own death myself. I want to know exactly how and where and when I will die. Death will not control me.

Maybe this is where all these fears come from? I fear that Natural Death will beat me to my own Controlled Death/Death plans...and that I won't be prepared for it at all. PATHETIC.

Anyway. I need sleep and I need to stop thinking about death.

Last night I had a dream I was bar hopping with Johnny Depp again, and again...I kept trying to keep myself from kissing him. Maybe tonight I will just do it.