Oh baby, it's not working out.

So much happens in such a little amount of time, and sometimes so much time passes by without a thing happening. I can't decide which it is for me and these past few months. It's both, and it's neither. I'm in complete limbo.
I've come to a conclusion. I won't ever achieve happiness, and I won't ever be loved romantically. I don't mean this in a sappy, "oh, nobody loves me" way. It's an honest-to-God conclusion that I have come to after realizing a few things about myself.
It's true. No one will ever love me the way I want to be loved. Kyle did, and I ended up feeling smothered. I felt trapped. He loved me in a way that you would describe as "unconditionally" with "no boundaries." He accepted me completely, fully. I accepted him only when he met my requirements, and when he failed to do so--I let him go. I sound heartless, don't I? But here's the thing--here's the problem--I'm not. I have so much feeling, so much emotion locked up, trapped, wanting to escape and be heard that it's absolutely painful and it's torturous and it's excruciatingly impossible to express it. There's nothing I can do.
I want to believe that everything happens for a reason, but I'm a very rational person and if I don't understand exactly why something has happened, I let it fuck me up completely. For once in my life, I trusted completely. I allowed myself to be loved in the way that I thought was acceptable, and returned the love that I thought was deserved to be given. Boyfriend #2. I did love him, and I let myself be completely free and spontaneous with myself, my feelings and my emotions. I let it happen. I didn't hold back. I thought--why should I? It all felt so good--until suddenly everything comes to the stereotypical "screeching halt"--and boom, it's over. You're thrown aside, and he's off to the next one.
So where am I now? I am in an awkward position where I like boy #3 a lot, but refuse to believe it. I don't believe a word he says. Every word that comes out of his mouth, I take as a joke and think he's up to something. I'm just a game. I'm just a fool, and he's going to have his way then laugh in my face.
Mother fucking trust issues. I'm holding on so tightly to this anger, this stubborn and painful problem I can't get past that I can't even imagine what it would feel like anymore to actually let go and live. What would it be like to just let things happen the way they're supposed to happen? What would it be like to not overanalyze everything--to not exaggerate every moment or thought or phrase or glance. To just take it as it is. I want this so bad.
I want nothing more than to be loved, accepted, and just content--but I've realized the chances are slim to none. And I guess I don't have a conclusion for my conclusion...just that I wish things were different, but I'm too tired--no, too scared to even give it another try.





Make sense?